The Joke Thread.

If you hear a funny joke, share it here..
(Mods, lock/NUKE this topic if it's already here; I was searching through back posts and my ISP is acting extra special retarded slow today).
I'll start with:
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: 'Cause his **ck was stuck in the chicken.

Chuck Norris jokes:

I thought I will post the link instead don't want anyone getting pissed.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The
bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a
beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Yo moms like DEVO , she whips it,

yo moms so stupid when she went to court and the judge said order , yo mom said cheese burger with fries extra extra Fries.

Yo moms so stupid she took an IQ test and your whole family Failed.

i got real jokes just too much to type.

Yo' momma's so fat, when your parents have sex, your dad has to slap her stomach and ride the waves out.

Beat .

Yo moms so big she uses Godzilla as a vibrator. and she sells shade.

Yo' momma's so hairy, when you were born you got rugburn.

Yo mommas so Hairy when your anywhere you have rugburn from her, being INSIDE you.

Ah... I'm pretty sure that went over my head.

Regardless, I'm going old school on your ass;
Thine mother is so hideous to look upon, she hath been shunned by lepers.

You're so damn ugly, your mother was charged for littering when you were born.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to thedeep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming outuntil you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

Oh, lord. Look at what I started.
Q: What's the title of a Jamaican proctologist?
A: Pokemon.

You're so ugly, you have to wear a bag on your head.

Ha!

I have a blondie joke here: A blonde walked by the river when she suddenly saw another blonde at the other side. "How did you get over on the other side of the river?", she asked. "What, are you kidding me? You are on the other side of the river!", she replied.

Ah, man... so many blonde jokes, all so damn inappropriate. I'll have to sit this one out.

A beautiful blonde wearing a football jersey takes her seat for the first day of biology class. The young man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "what do you think you're doing, wearing a football jersey?"
"It's mine, why shouldn't I wear it?" she asks, puzzled.
"You're not supposed to wear one of those unless you've made the team," the young man replies.
"Oh?," she asks sweetly, "who did I miss?"

How do you make a blonde break her nose? Put a $100 Bill under a Glass Table.

how do you know a dumb blonde tried to to kill her self,

theres 6 bullet holes in the mirror.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Paste a scratch 'n' sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Oh, that's an old one.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly
walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to
buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras
in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only
four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady
replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are
the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the
letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

And then there's the German bra:
Holtzemfromfloppen

^ Ah, Jenni, those were good.
The case is a bit old, and I don't know if everyone remembers it, but...
Q: How to prostitutes get to college?
A: Why, on the Hugh Grant, of course.

What do you get when you mix an Elephant with a Rhino? Hell If I Know

"How did you manage to earn so many scout merit badges while I was away on business, son?" inquired the proud father.
"I'm not sure, dad," answered the boy, "but I think maybe it was because my scoutmaster, Mr. Austin, came over here every night to give me adVice."
"So, he really worked with you, eh?" asked the father.
"Not exactly, dad. Mr. Austin and mom would sort of smile at each other, and then he'd fish another badge out of his pocket and tell me to go take a hike."

A Blond walks in to a dealership and talks to one of the mechanics.

She says "I have to change the "710" on my car!"
The mechanic, baffled asks "What's the "710"?"
She replies "I don't know, you're the mechanic...you tell me!"

The mechanic says "Well, I'm sorry but I've never seen that on a car before"

The blond looks in her purse and pulls out a drawing. She gives it to the mechanic and says "Here's what the cap looks like, it says "710" on top and aparently it's empty"

The mechanic looks long and hard at the drawing and realizes what it is..
He turns the "710" around and tells the blonde "It's not "710" ...it's "0IL" that you need changed"

HB, that's so cheesy and lame that it's good

A blonde driving an SUV pulls up next to a wheat field and sees another blonde in a rowboat in the field, furiously working the oars and getting nowhere. Curious, she pulls up beside her, and asks:
"What in heaven's name are you doing?"
The blonde, sweat pouring down her forehead, stops rowing for a second to reply:
"I'm trying to row my boat, and it's really, really hard. What does it look like I'm doing? Do you want to get out and help?"
The other blonde looks at her, rolls her eyes and says:
"What do you think I am, an idiot? I'm not getting my feet wet."

The Nun at Hooters...

The place was hopping with music and loud
conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into
cheers. However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead
silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please
use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK", but I should warn you that there is
a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.">>
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.
So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant,
and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came
back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the
nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir", I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?">>
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the Bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the
statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

hahah thanx

We all had a good laugh over that, too, Star-Tropics.
I just found out Windows (whatever edition) has a secret meaning embedded in the title itself:
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

damn Jenni, that's just..... wow.

Oh, we're doing tasteless now, are we? Fine.

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?

i don't know, tell us.

You would too if your name was "!"

...

I hate myself.

On both counts, OUCH.

!"

...

I hate myself.
Hehe.. Hear that one at school pretty often.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Damn my inbred stupidity?

MMMM... Where's my tractor?

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

Her dog was blind too.

.... I quite like myself (well, most the time).

ToddVania's Self-"Burn,"/Different Types Of A Woman's Orgasm:
The positive: "Oh, yes, oh, yes!"
The negative: "Oh, no! Oh, no!"
The religious: "Oh, god! Oh, god!"
The fake: "Oh, Todd! Oh, Todd!"

ToddVania's Self-"Burn,"/Different Types Of A Woman's Orgasm:
The positive: "Oh, yes, oh, yes!"
The negative: "Oh, no! Oh, no!"
The religious: "Oh, god! Oh, god!"
The fake: "Oh, Todd! Oh, Todd!"

I 'bout pissed myself over that one. The ironicness of it is that if you have time to think about the person's name, you're not thinking about what you should be thinking about.

Yeah, my friend "burned" me with that one as we were walking down the street, and I almost fell into heavy traffic laughing. I like those kind of jokes that make you go, "wait a minute..."

Once there was this man who had only one arm. He was so depressed by his missing limb, that he desided to kill himself.

He went up on the roof of a tall building downtown. He looked down and was ready to jump, when all of a sudden, he sees this man with no arms at all, dancing in the street.

So naturally the man up on the roof thinks: "I have only one arm, and I want to kill myself, while this man has no arms at all, and he's so happy that he's dancing in the street...I'm going to kill myself, but first, I'll ask this man why he's so happy."

So he went down from the roof of the tall building, placed himself right in front of the man with no arms and asks him: "Why are you so happy that you're dancing in the street when you have no arms? I have only one arm, and I'm ready to kill myself. Exlain please!"

Then the other man with no arms replies: "Dancing?! You think I'm dancing? Man, my ass is itchy and I have no arms, what can I do?!

Whats the Difference between Michael Jackson and a Grocery sack...
]

One is plastic and dangerous to children...the other is a Grocery Sack.

Inappropriate...

Whats the similarity between a Rubiks Cube and a penis?

U suck at them.....no its supposed to be the longer you play with them the harder they get.

Nice ones, Nes-RULE! & Captain Rad Spencer.
Ah, so it's Michael Jackson jokes, is it?
How do you tell when it's bedtime in the Michael Jackson household?
Why, when the big hand is on the little hand, of course.

Ok my turn:

One is a theme park full of ancient mechanical monsters that scare its customers
the other is a movie.

What the hells ibm?

It's a computer brand, dingle dong

you're kidding right? right?

That is so going into my Sig.
Also I think you need some Studing to do.

well hey i dont like PCs or any computers very much at all...i actually kinda hate them.

and thats awesome how its in your sig.

Ever seen this logo before?

At 1850 + posts, it must be one of those love/hate relationships?!

It's a computer brand, dingle dong

. I salute you, sir.

and thats awesome how its in your sig.

Turnabout's fair play, my good friend.